How can you improve your relationship?

Stop the blame game When things are going badly, couples tend to ask who is at fault and which of them is to blame. Neither of these questions is helpful. It's better by far for both partners to accept that they share joint responsibility for the relationship, and to agree that when they are having problems they should work at them together. One of the country’s leading relationship psychiatrists, Dr Jack Dominian, always says that if couples want to improve their relationships, they should ban the phrase: ‘The trouble with you is …’ This is good advice!

Find time to work on your relationship

In today’s busy, modern world, you need to find time for each other. This is not easy if you both have hectic careers, and becomes even more difficult when you have children. But if you have established a will to make things better, then you need to look at your joint schedules and find time when you can be together.

If you don’t find time, improvement will be slow or non-existent.

As a therapist, I often take calls from couples who want to come for therapy to improve aspects of their relationship, but who then cannot find a mutually convenient time to fit in an appointment. This is ludicrous. It suggests both the relationship and the work needed on it is a low priority.

Change the way you communicate

Frequently, couples stop making an effort with each other. They may insult each other or take each other for granted. Suppose the door bell rings. One partner may yell at the other: ‘Get that will you?’ It doesn’t take much effort to add the word ‘please’ or to ask in a different way, such as: ‘Would you mind answering the door?’ This may sound a small point, and maybe an old-fashioned one, but when couples bellow demands at each other, it sounds abrasive and disrespectful. When aggression becomes a habit, it can seriously damage the romance in a relationship.