Restricted Jokes ( Page 4 of 4 )

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

"Excellent swing! Beautiful form! ...too bad you missed the ball."

"Nurse, get on the internet, go to SURGERY.COM, scroll down and click on the "Are you totally lost?' icon."

This fellow was sitting at the counter in a truck stop diner eating lunch. He was rather small in stature, bespectacled, wearing a suit with a bow-tie, and on the stool next to him was his dog; an unusually small Mexican Chihuahua. He was surrounded by big rough-looking, rough-talking truck drivers, and he was catching a lot of ribbing about his dog. He continued in silence eating his lunch and when finished stood down from the counter, paid his bill, and he and his dog walked out of the diner.

A few moments later the small man returns and timidly asks,

"Does anyone in here own a Doberman?"

The roughest of the truck drivers rises and walks over to the little man and says, "Yeah, the Doberman's mine. What about 'im?"

The little guy replies, "I'm afraid, my dog just killed your dog."

The truck driver, bristling, bellows, "How could YOUR dog possibly have killed MY dog?"

The little man responds, "Well, your dog choked on him."

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow.  The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking.  He calls to the rabbit to go and get the Farmer to help pull him to safety.  The rabbit runs to the farm but the Farmer is  nowhere to be found.  The rabbit then drives the Farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper and then throws the other end to the horse, and saves him from sinking.

A few days later, the rabbit and the horse are playing in the meadow again, and the rabbit falls into the mud hole.  The rabbit yelled to the horse to get some help from the farmer.   The horse said "I think I can stand   over the hole."  So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up" and the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.

 The moral of the story:  If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes. 

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Randy went to the doctor and the doctor told him he'd be dead within 24 hours. So he went home and told his wife that he wanted to make love to her as many times as he can before the morning (when he dies).So they do it, once, twice, three times, then they fall asleep. At 2 in the morning, he whispers to his wife"Honey, I want to make love to you one last time"And his wife responds"Thats easy for you to say, Randy, YOU don't have to get up in the morning!"