Animal Jokes ( Page 4 of 6 )

34 vegetarian varieties for Mahanadu!
    
Goats and hens: We are safe, at least they did not prefer us publicly
  
By Phani

Once a plane crashed somewhere in the mountains:

Only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive.

Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand English and reply.

The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"

Monkey: "Tying their belts"

Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"

Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"

One Fine day God Created a monkey...and said to him, Your are a monkey, If you can jump from this branchy to That branchy till  for such  time... but It should be properly...than You will be get so many coconuts and Eat a lot Bananas, than you will be lived for 20 years than you will be a monkey.....

             Monkey replied like this.... Ooooo God...! 20 years is too long.........So please give me 10 years only, because presently summer and a lot of Trees are drying in this season that's why we can not jump properly from This branchy to Other branchy till 20 years...Monkey complained to god...after frew sacands God thought and accepted monkey request that's it.....!

One day Donkey was created by God and Said to him, You are a Donkey now, you will be carried havey load on your back from Sun up to Sun down, than you can get good food and eat a lot of beautiful grass than You will be lived 25 years.Than you will be donkey.

           Donkey replaid like this...Ooooooo God...! 25 years too long...Please give me 15 years only, because I was being carring heay load a lot so I couldn't be carried till 25years God Complained....After God thinks for some time.....!! mmmmm finally God granted his request.

A lion woke up one morning with the urge to assert his superiority over his fellow beasts.

He strode over to a monkey, and roared "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?"

"You are, Master," said the monkey, cowering.

Then the lion approached a warthog. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?" roared the lion.

"You are, my Lord," said the warthog, quivering with fear.

Next the lion met an elephant. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?" roared the lion.

The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, swung him in the air, slammed him ten times against a tree trunk, threw him into a dense patch of thorns, and strolled away.

"Okay!" shouted the lion. "There's no need to turn nasty just because you don't know the answer!"

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.

A passer by who’d seen everything remarked: “That’s very tolerant of you after what he just did.”

“Not really,” came the reply. “I’m just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him.”

Pehla gadha: Yaar mein jis dhobi ke ghar kaam karta hoo, vo mujhe bahut marta hai.

Doosra gadha: Tu ghar chor kar bhaag kyo nahi jata.

Pehla gadha: Kya batau yaar dhobi ki ek bahut koobsurat ladki hai, vo jab bhi shararat karti hai to dhobi kehta hai ki, teri shaadi kisi gadhe se kar dunga.

Bas yeh soch kar ruka hua hoo.

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”

“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

Rating: 2.5/5

There are over a million words in the English language, but we can always use more. Here are some that wordsmiths contributed to the Merriam-Webster Open Dictionary website:

Epiphunny (noun): The moment of sudden revelation when one gets the joke.

Nagivator (noun): A bossy person who rides in the passenger seat and gives directions to the driver.

Phooey Vuitton (noun): A sub- standard, counterfeit Louis Vuitton product.

Wuzband (noun): A former husband.